November 28, 2005
Sex and the Single Sista
By Michelle Michelle
Are Black Women Romance Intolerant?
The last time we spoke I told you about Dillon. It seems I may have spoken too fast about the brother having it together. Last week, a girl that Dillon claimed was a one night affair told him she was 9 months pregnant and was due in days. He claimed she was new to this country and was Asian. Her parents disliked him. When he told me that last statement, I began to believe in my mind that this was not a one night stand. Still, he stuck to his story. Apparently, she'd hid the pregnancy and had no where to go. I asked Dillon how he knew it was his baby. He said "he knew." Again that statement let me know there was more to the story and he wasn't being honest. This seems pretty straight and simple right? Not a reason to leave a brother right?
She called him on a Saturday, the same day we were supposed to go out. He called and told me he had to go out and help a friend whose parents were fighting. Sunday, he spent the whole day with me. We were together in the biblical sense and then we went out on the town and had a nice evening together. But he cut the evening short and told me he had some business to take care of.
On Monday, he came to pick me up from work. Then, on the way home, he dropped a bomb on me. He had gotten a girl pregnant from his past. He admitted that he'd known about this since Saturday and was at the hospital with her. I asked him why didn't he tell me right away. His first excuse ( and trust me he made many of those through this whole mess ) was that I would leave him.
It took him a week to tell me the whole story: I didn't know she was Asian, 19 years old, indigent, and injudicious. At first he told me she had two great parents who were going to help her through this. Now, it's " She doesn't has anyone. Her parents are kicking her out. I not sure what to believe. But I have pretty damn good idea of what the truth is. It took me a week to toil about what I should do.
So, I turned to my circle of male friends for advice. One guy, who I call "Mr. January," for his rational and zen point of view. Then there is Charles, who is like a beloved baby brother who guards me fiercely. And Malcolm, a good person who was able to reach a sister with just the right amount tough love and compassion combined. I don't think I would have made it if on that fateful Thursday, with out these 3 strong men in my life. All three of different races. Mr. January is Asian, Charles is white, and Malcolm is a brother. And even though these three men do not know each other, they have my best interest at heart.
"Get of of this mess. Stop trying to play superwoman."
They didn't say get out while you can. No, they told me to get out. Just walk away. Dillon and I had drifted on different planes in life. He was dealing with our relationship with eyes closed as most 20- somethings do. I was dealing with romance with my eyes open. There were times I was trying to shut them but I wasn't able to keep them closed. You notice that I don't mention anything about the girl and baby. She's not my problem. This is Dillon's mess. But let be clear. I can not make the statement: " Oh, he is not going to drag me into some baby mama shit." Nor am I going to play superwoman and clean up this mess and lower my self worth and lead a grown-ass man by the hand like a child through a storm when I know he doesn't have back! I am old enough to know better that I am dealing with a man who is not honest with himself about the matter at hand. Or does not truly understand the meaning of taking care of his business. You can't sacrifice one thing to have it all. If I chose to deal with a man who is just as injudicious as the baby mama. then I am going to be in trouble. I have no one to blame but myself. You can't make excuses.
Every time I confronted Dillon he had some excuse for the mess about our relationship and the girl. And I would tell him over and over, she and this baby have nothing to do with us. That's your mess.
He said that she had no skills and lived a sheltered life. I informed him that I too live a sheltered life. And from his words (the little details of his stories kept changing) I knew that she was just some poor ordinary girl who had just arrived in this country with no education or drive. I told him even people with mental retardation are able to acquire skills.
I looked at him after that statement and said in a voice that was so low in tone that even scared me.
" What else you got Dillon," I said. "I have beat you point-by-point on every excuse you have given me. What are your other excuses?"
I knew I had reached my breaking point and all that I had prayed for and worked to get could get easily sacrificed if I had approach this the wrong way. So, on that Thursday morning Dillon came to pick me up to have breakfast and talk to me. I prayed to God for the right answer out of this storm. And and just because the Lord loved me so much he sent an answer from three men and two women about romance.
I left Dillon. In the end, I learned that romances come and go but in order to have one at all you have to ask all the right questions in relationships. And if you don't like the answers, you have to make some hard decisions. Get up, dust yourself off, and keep stepping.
Posted at November 28, 2005 03:27 AM